I am going to be doing a number of posts exploring how our eating patterns impact our minds and our lives. The following post was written by a very dear friend of mine, who I am so glad I met online, Christine. She will be joining LucidNutrition.com on her path to health, struggles included. You will get to know more about her as soon as she sends me her bio!! But for now, I will just tell you that she is great!! So, Thanks Christine for sharing such intimate thoughts with us. We love you!
An Intimate Meditation Towards Change. Crossposted from ByFlutter.com
We have a socially acceptable bias against fat people. People with weight problems are made fun of, reviled, rejected and thought less of across the board.
In movies, on television, in our media we are bombarded with the stereotype that women with weight problems curl up and eat french fries and ice cream from a bucket and men with weight problems are the funny guys who play side kick to their more attractive friends.
The assumption is that weight carries with it, pound for pound an inverse relationship to worth. The more you weigh, the less you are worth, as a person. The larger you get, the less you are seen. The bigger your pant size, the less likely to be loved.This is not to say that society is to blame for the weight problems of people, but it certainly helps perpetuate the last great wall of prejudice as I see it.
For me, as I am ever flexing and extending an undulating and fluid mass of numbers on a scale, I see the difference in how the world responds. When I am thinner I get appreciative stares, people pay attention when I speak and ask intelligent questions. Doors are held open for me. I am permitted to linger in nice clothing stores without being derisively stared at by the shop girls. I am congratulated for slimming down and working hard.
As if, when I am heavy, I am lazy and slovenly. It seems absurd to pack on weight in order to hide. It is like balancing an elephant on a teacup. You would think that someone would notice that, but people walk past with not so much as a glance. Where as, the thinner me is rarely left without a word, or a proposition. I realize that this is why, when I start to approach a more socially acceptable weight, a switch flips in my brain. The big, red switch with the word “DANGER!” on it. Danger, I might be expected to be as intelligent as I am. Danger, people may expect more from me. Danger, I may have to ward off advances. Danger, I may no longer have a built in excuse to fail.
That’s it for me, really. I see how people bypass me at this weight and I can point my chubby finger and say, “See? They won’t LET me succeed.” When the truth is, it is fear of fully exposing myself that keeps me in my fat suit.This is a disorder. This is not a normal way of thinking. To obsess over food. To indulge then deny. To fluctuate tens of pounds. To control my body in such a way that is not healthy for it.
It destroys me to feel this way, to feel less than. To know exactly what I am doing in a very logical sense and to do it anyway. I am better than this and it is not good enough.
It just isn’t.
Junk Food Charm Bracelet by Nights Requiem.
We are indeed much more than we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are. ~ Adelle Davis